Getting Past the Pain SD Version
by dreameralways
Summary: When help doesn't arrive just in time how does one pick up the pieces. SD Version Warning: Mature Content
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

As the klaxons sounded General Landry gave a silent prayer for it to be SG-1. He looked across his desk, nodding to General O'Neill as they both took off at a near run to the control room.

"Unscheduled off-world activation. Receiving IDC. It's SG-1 sir."

"Open the iris." General Landry tipped his head back in a silent prayer of gratitude. "Security to the embarkation room."

SG-1 was three days overdue from their trip to P3X-718. Ancient writing and a large hill that could possibly hold a room were found not too far from a village by the gate which had resulted in SG-1 being assigned to investigate. When SG-1 had failed to check in on time the general had sent SG-12, who returned stating that the only thing they'd been able to get from the villagers was that there had been some sort of attack. It sounded like a Go'uld attack.

After they had been missing for two days General O'Neill had arrived at the SGC with documents that needed to be signed. Landry knew that the real reason O'Neill was there was because he was worried about his friends and needed to be where he felt he could help them.

SG-1 entered the gate room and stopped. They didn't look injured, but from the looks on their faces Landry knew something was wrong. There was someone else with them.

Colonel Mitchell looked up to the general and spoke first. "Sir, may I introduce you to Anise of the Tok'ra."

O'Neill got to the microphone first. "Hello, Anise." He still hadn't completely forgiven her for the armband incident.

"It is good to see you again, General O'Neill. I only wish that it were possible for us to meet under nicer circumstances for a change."

_Yep, she still likes me._ O'Neill thought to himself. His didn't dwell on the thought long as he looked over his friends and saw that none of them would look at him. He took in the sight and realized that none of them were standing near each other, and the distance seemed to be the greatest between Daniel and the rest. _Shit_, was all he could manage as he suddenly became more worried than he had been at any point while they were missing.

Both Generals went down to the embarkation room. Landry told the security to stand down but kept them in the room. He liked SG-1, but he wasn't a fool. They had been missing quite some time and it was possible that they were somehow compromised.

"Anything I need to know immediately or can it wait until the debriefing." Landry wanted to hear it all now. He had a thousand questions, but he also had a teleconference with the president and a few other world leaders in about fifteen minutes that he had to get ready for.

"It can wait for the debriefing sir," Col Mitchell said.

"OK then. To the infirmary."

Anise felt as though the last comment had somehow been an insult to her abilities and the Tok'ra's even though that was not how Landry had meant it. She felt compelled to defend her presence. "They are fine General Landry. The Tok'ra have seen to their injuries. Though it is likely that Daniel Jackson will continue to experience flashes of memories from the Go'uld who took him as host for some time."

All eyes in the room seemed to fall on Daniel, who just kind of stood there, not saying anything. He refused to look at anyone. Then Jack noticed that not all eyes were on Daniel. Out of everyone who had just come through the gate, only Mitchell seemed to be willing to meet anyone's gaze. Daniel had been taken as a host and his friends weren't rallying behind him to make him feel better. Teal'c wouldn't even look at Jack. Jack could feel himself getting colder with dread.

Jack wanted to accompany the group to the infirmary hoping to learn more, but he was supposed to be in the same conference call as Landry. He watched them leave the embarkation room with a few guards who were trying their damnedest to remain unobtrusive while "escorting" SG-1 to the infirmary. Still none of the rest of SG-1 were standing near Daniel. He'd known Samantha Carter long enough to know that if Daniel was recovering from being a host to a Go'uld, Sam should have been standing next to him telling him that everything was fine and none of whatever had happened had been his fault. She wasn't.

As they went down the hall Jack could hear Mitchell start to make some light hearted comments trying to lighten the mood. No one responded to him. Jack knew his people. There was something going on that even Cameron Mitchell didn't know about.


	2. Chapter 2

I own nothing but my story. I wish the show was mine, but alas, no one will give it to me.

My apologies for the long delay. I thought there was a problem with the site because I couldn't update my stories, turns out that my computer just won't work with the site properly so I have to update from a library computer so updates may be sporadic.

There are two versions of this story. One is S/D the other is S/J. There are only small differences until around Chapter 10. I am an S/D fan so this will be the longer version. Sorry to any S/Js out there.

This story is very angsty. I usually don't do this much angst, but well this story went where it wanted.

CHAPTER 2

Doctor Carolyn Lam released them from the infirmary after confirming that they seemed in perfect health. She had debated keeping them for psych evaluations, but knew that they would have a debriefing soon and would want to get cleaned up.

As SG-1 prepared to leave, one of the nurses hung up the phone and called out to them, "General Landry just finished his conference. He wants to see you all in half an hour in the briefing room."

"Gotcha," Cameron called by way of response.

O'Neill had been heading toward the infirmary to check on his friends when he saw them leaving. He noticed that Cameron was still the only one talking and only one whose eyes weren't cast to the floor. Daniel seemed to be as far from the others as he could get without being too obvious and Sam seemed to be trying to make space between herself and everyone else. She did seem to be standing closest to Teal'c though. Which, if he recalled correctly, was how she had been standing when she first returned through the gate.

As they neared Jack he continued to note that his friends wouldn't look at him. He wanted to grab Carter or Daniel and make her talk to him. They seemed to be avoiding him like the plague as they walked around him and kept going, except Mitchell.

"Well sir, I guess we must have had you pretty worried."

"Mitchell, what the hell is going on? What happened out there?"

"Short version before the debrief? We were attacked. The Go'uld's host was injured. It took Daniel. It captured us, tortured us. With the help of the Tok'ra we got free, and they removed the symbiote from Daniel."

"Daniel tortured you guys?" He looked over to the elevators and realized that Daniel was standing alone. He hadn't gotten on the same elevator as Sam and Teal'c.

"Not Daniel, some Go'uld none of us had ever heard of before. I think it will just take some time sir."

Jack was still looking at Daniel as he boarded the elevator. Daniel turned as the elevator closed and briefly looked up and caught Jack's stare. Jack could see incredible pain, grief, shame, and self hatred. He had never seen such a look in Daniel's eyes, yet it seemed very familiar. As the door to the elevator sealed shut it dawned on Jack why that look seemed familiar. He had seen it in his own eyes in the mirror after Charlie's death, back when suicide had seemed like an entirely acceptable idea.

Jack's heart pounded as he took off at a dead run leaving Mitchell behind, more than a little confused. He took the stairs rather than wait for the elevator. Time was short and Daniels office wasn't that far. He burst out of the stairwell and ran toward Daniels office. As he rounded a bend he saw Daniel entering his office and beginning to close the heavy door that Jack knew he wouldn't be able to get through.

Jack made it to the door just before it closed and stuck his foot in the way. It was a heavy door and even though it wasn't moving quickly Jack still felt a sharp pain as the door threatened to crush his foot.

"Daniel I need to talk to you for a second."

"Can it wait until the briefing? I have some things I want to do first." He spoke from behind the door, not wanting to have to face Jack.

"No. It's kind of important."

Daniel relented and let Jack in. Jack could tell that Daniel was using every ounce of strength to try to keep his composure. He wasn't looking at Jack, instead he picked up a statue and began looking it over. All he wanted was for Jack to leave. He couldn't face him after what he'd done.

"So…a Go'uld, huh?"

"Yes Jack, a Go'uld."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." His eyes never left the statue. "Could we talk later? I just want some time alone before the debriefing."

Jack could see that he was starting to break. His eyes were beginning to water and he tried to turn away so Jack couldn't see.

"You know what happened wasn't your fault right?" Jack picked up an artifact to keep his hands busy. Daniel didn't even tell him to be careful with it.

"I really don't want to talk about this right now." Daniel had turned completely away, but Jack could tell when he wiped his face that he had begun to cry.

"Daniel. You of all people should know that when one of those things gets in your head you have no control. Everyone here knows that. Give everyone a day or two and they'll get over it."

"I don't think so Jack." His voice became very quiet, though not quite a whisper, "Not this time."

If Jack didn't know better he would have sworn that Daniel seemed to be shaking. He took a step toward his friend and stopped.

"What could possibly make this time so bad huh? Everyone came home. You're all alive. That's what matters."

"You don't know Jack. Please just go."

Jack's temper was starting to flare. "So tell me huh? What's so terrible that you're planning on …" He didn't finish the statement. He just let it hang.

That's when Daniel understood. Jack wasn't going to leave. Daniel realized that somehow Jack knew that he didn't believe he should live. How could he tell Jack, possibly his best friend, why he didn't deserve to live.

"I… I…" Daniel let his weight fall against the back wall. He slid down until he was sitting with his knees to his chest as he allowed tears to fall for the first time since everything went wrong. "I… I did such terrible things. I couldn't stop him." He looked at his hands as if he was cursing them for their betrayal.

Jack sat down next to his friend. "It wasn't you. You can't blame yourself for what _he_ did."

"You don't…I…I…" He wanted to tell Jack, but he couldn't get the words past his lips. _I deserve to die. I deserve for Jack to hate me for what I've done. Jack _will _hate me for what I've done._

Jack had never seen his friend so distraught. Daniel hated himself, enough to want to consider ending his life. Daniel hadn't been this distraught when his wife had died. _What the hell is going on?_ He was on the floor of his office in tears over a crime that Jack didn't understand. He couldn't understand why Daniel of all people couldn't make the distinction between the actions of a Go'uld and his own guilt in the matter.

"Please Jack. Just go," he managed despite the tears.

"You know I can't."

"I don't deserve…I hurt…" He just couldn't get the words out. "I hurt…I'm disgusting. I wasn't strong enough." Jack missed the next few words, lost to Daniel's sobs but he heard, "never look at me again. Oh god what have I done."

Jack put an arm around his friend to try to comfort him. Daniel didn't want him to. He didn't deserve Jack's friendship.

Jack throat constricted and tears threatened to fall, caused by his empathy toward Daniel. He had known the guilt that lead to such dangerous thoughts and how it tears at you, leaving nothing in its wake. He mustered up what strength he could to put the emphasis behind his words. "Daniel. This. Was. NOT. Your. Fault. Now I need you to get up. We're going to go see Doctor Lam." Jack started to rise.

"No. Please." Daniel didn't have much energy behind his words anymore. He just wanted to be gone. To fade into the wall and disappear, but he knew that he didn't deserve such an easy fate. He deserved to be punished. No punishment would ever be enough, but Jack wasn't going to let him end it on his own term and bring everyone peace.

"Up Daniel!"

He finally conceded and allowed Jack to take him to the infirmary. He could hear Jack telling Doctor Lam that he would probably try to hurt himself. He saw her fill a syringe with a fluid he assumed was a sedative. He didn't fight her as she injected him with it. _Atleast I can't hurt anyone else while I'm out_. As he lost consciousness he realized that he was now on suicide watch. He was going to wake up strapped to the bed and then there would be no way to end it. But it was too late to fight it, so he simply drifted of into a dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I own nothing but my story. I wish the show was mine, but alas, no one will give it to me.

There are two versions of this story. One is S/D the other is S/J. There are only small differences until around Chapter 10. I am an S/D fan so this will be the longer version. Sorry to any S/Js out there.

This story is very angsty. I usually don't do this much angst, but well this story went where it wanted.

CHAPTER 3

Jack entered the debriefing room to find Teal'c, Mitchell, Anise/Freya, and Landry already there.

"Where's Carter?"

"She hasn't arrived yet sir," Mitchell said. "Neither have Daniel or Doctor Lam."

"Daniel's not coming." Jack paused for a moment unsure of exactly what to say. "He's in the infirmary."

"Is he okay sir?"

"He will be."

"Well Colonel Carter and Doctor Lam can catch up when they get here. I want to know just what the hell happened out there." Landry was in no mood to be kept waiting any longer.

"It started out simple enough sir. Daniel was making some progress on the translating. We weren't there three hours before we were attacked. They came out of nowhere. There weren't a whole lot of them so we tried to fight them off and get back to the gate. Daniel took a staff blast to the leg. We took cover while Colonel Carter tried to patch him up. There was an explosion. I was thrown a few feet. Carter was knocked out. Typical overdressed-bad-guy-Go'uld shows up saying that we should surrender while we still can. I took a few shots at him but he had one of those personal shield things. He started walking toward me when Teal'c jumped him. He stabbed the Go'uld in the chest, must have hit the heart. It used the ribbon device to knock back T. It tried to get to me but fell next to Daniel. Daniel was barely conscious. He'd lost a lot of blood. He was in no condition to fight. I tried to get to him but it used the ribbon device and threw me. That's the last I remember before waking up on a Go'uld mother ship."

"A mother ship?" Jack had kind of hoped that SG-1's "mother ship" days were over.

"Yes sir." Mitchell waited a moment to make sure that O'Neill had nothing else to say before continuing. "When I came to, Teal'c and Carter were in the room with me, already awake. We were left alone for a few hours. Then a couple of guards came. They took Teal'c first."

"Indeed. I was taken to a room and chained. Daniel appeared a short while later. He had been taken as host by a Go'uld who introduced himself as Tinhar. I had never heard of him."

Anise/Freya interrupted, "We believe Tinhar to only be around eight hundred years of age. He would therefore not have appeared in your world's history as your gate was buried. He was a servant to Ba'al. At the time of the fall of the System Lords he had achieved very little for himself. He was; however, known to be exceptionally cruel."

"So he took advantage of the situation and is trying to get a little power for himself now," Landry added.

"We believe that to have been the case."

Teal'c continued with his story when the others had quieted. "He was seeking information about the changes in power in this galaxy. He wanted to know about the other Go'uld and the Ori. I must believe that he would only ask if he had been unable to attain this information from his host, Daniel Jackson."

"You think Daniel was able to block him."

"I do indeed O'Neill."

"Way to go Daniel." Jack noted that while his friend seemed pleased that Daniel had somehow been able to resist giving Tinhar any information, his demeanor was more reserved than usual, if that was possible. He also noticed that Teal'c had only looked him in the eye for a second before looking away. There was something that Teal'c wasn't telling him.

"Please continue." Landry didn't care for the side comments as much as O'Neill did. He would have time to learn the smaller details when SG-1 had written their mission reports.

"When I refused to answer his questions I was tortured." Teal'c seemed extremely uncomfortable talking about the subject. Jack thought he could understand. It was bad enough to be tortured at all, but to think that the thing doing the torturing had been wearing his best friend's skin. Jack felt a shiver up his spine.

"You said that you were tortured when I first examined you. If you can would you elaborate?" Doctor Lam had just walked into the briefing room. She took one of the empty seats and prepared to take notes.

Teal'c was slow to begin so Mitchell jumped in. "He had one of those pain stick things."

"Anything else?"

"Well he slapped me once."

"And you Teal'c?"

"Much the same as Colonel Mitchell."

Jack could see why Daniel would be mad at himself, but he couldn't understand why it would be to such an extreme. While it was true that what had happened to his friends was terrible they were all still alive and intact. He was missing something.

"If it is their physical well being for which you are concerned I personally oversaw to their healing on the Tok'ra base. The injuries to Colonel Mitchell and Teal'c were not severe."

Jack noticed that she hadn't mentioned the others and he couldn't help but think that it had been deliberate. "What about Daniel and Carter?"

"We removed the Go'uld from Doctor Jackson and treated him for a few minor injuries." She paused and slowed her speech. She knew from the Zaytark incident that Jack had held feelings for Samantha Carter. She wasn't sure how much to tell him. She didn't feel as though it were her right to say too much. In Jack's eyes she could see that he was realizing that something was wrong due to her pause, so she took a breath and continued. "Colonel Samantha Carter's injuries were the most severe."

Jack felt like his insides were being ripped outside.

"It took a little longer but we were able to heal her physical injuries."

Her specific use of the word "physical" wasn't lost on O'Neill. Nor was the way that Anise kept glancing at him with concern in her eyes. Whatever had happened, apparently Anise thought that Carter, Sam wasn't handling it well. Sam was the strongest woman he knew. He couldn't believe that she wouldn't bounce right back as always.

Jack tried to keep the panic out of his voice as he said, "Speaking of, where is she?" He looked around the room. General Landry seemed about to head to the phone to call someone to look for her when Teal'c spoke.

"Last I saw of Colonel Carter, she was planning to go to the locker room." He paused for just the shortest moment, but Jack noticed. "She said that she felt unclean." Finally Teal'c looked Jack in the eyes. Jack could see the pain in his eyes and something that looked like shame. He had a look in his eyes that said he had let down his friend.

The word rang in Jack's head for a moment. _Unclean. Unclean…Dirty. _Then Daniel's words, _'I hurt…I'm disgusting. I wasn't strong enough.' 'never look at me again. Oh god what have I done.'_

"Oh God." _That's why Teal'c wouldn't look at me. He knew_…He couldn't bring himself to even think the words. He turned and walked out of the room. He had to find Sam. After exiting the room he heard Mitchell's voice.

"Oh God T. Why didn't you tell me?"

Then Landry, "Tell you about what? What the hell is going on here people?"

But no one else left the room. If Jack had cared to notice, he would have realized that Teal'c probably stopped whoever might have tried to follow him. But he didn't. He was only thinking about Sam. The same thoughts kept running through his head, _Unclean. Dirty. No. Oh God please no._ He was running now. Most personnel were able to get out of his way. Those that weren't fast enough got knocked down. All he could think of was Sam.


	4. Chapter 4

Still own nada.

TO ANYONE READING BOTH VERSIONS: There are only a few difference between the SJ and SD versions in this chapter. They mainly relate to Sam and Jack's past. Again, I am an SD shipper, I'm mainly writing the SJ version for the die hard SJ people out there.

CHAPTER 4

He was out of breath by the time he got to the locker room. He hadn't realized that he been forgetting to breath as he ran. His heart was pounding. He was terrified of what he would find. The locker rooms were usually empty as the only people who used them were the returning teams and the scientists who ended up too wrapped up in their projects to leave and so slept on base. Since no teams had returned since SG-1 he didn't think twice before opening the door and calling out to Sam. No one answered but he could hear the shower running and even at the door to the locker room he could feel the warm moisture in the air from the steam.

"Sam," he called again. He tried to project his voice without being too loud. He didn't want to scare her or whoever else may have been in there. He also wasn't trusting his voice at it's fullest yet.

Only one shower was in use and steam was coming quickly from it. He called out softly to her one more time. There was still no reply but he could hear a muffled sobbing coming from behind the curtain. He called her name one last time as he began to pull back slightly on the curtain.

It was a small standing shower, and there, huddled in the corner against the wall with her knees to her chest in a near fetal position was Sam. Her skin was bright red. Jack realized that the water was scalding her. He pushed the curtain away quickly. He reached in, scalding his hand as he shut off the water. He grabbed the towel that was outside the shower and tried to wrap it around her.

Sam didn't want to acknowledge that he was there. This couldn't be real. The worst thing in the world that she could think of right now was him seeing her like this. If he was here then he had to know. She didn't want him to know. She could hear him saying her name, trying to coax her out of the shower. Finally she relented and allowed him to pull her to a standing position, wrapping a towel around her as he did so.

Jack couldn't think. His mind was too full to put any of it together. He did the only thing that came to mind; the only thing that he wanted to do. He pulled her in close and held her tightly. She held perfectly still for a moment in his arms, then seemed to be trying to push away. He remembered that her skin was likely burned and that given what had happened, she might not want to be touched. He released the embrace, putting space between them, but he left his hands on her arms. It seemed strange as he realized that this was the first time that he had touched her at all in over a year.

She was still crying though the sobs were subsiding. Having Jack see her like this was making her feel worse. She didn't want to tell him. She couldn't yet. She had just been too weak in front of a man and she'd be damned if she would be weak again. Even if it was someone as important to her as this man. He thought she was strong. She couldn't stand the idea that he would think she was weak. _He does already. If he knows, then he knows I was too weak. I've worked so hard to get his respect. Now that's gone._ The sobbing threatened to swell again but she forced it down. She hadn't looked him in the eye yet. She couldn't.

Jack guided her the short distance to the bench in the main locker room. He sat her down beside him and tried to put his arm around her. She turned away from him. She put her feet on the bench and pulled her knees into her chest. He turned so that he was sitting behind her and held her anyway. Somehow it felt important to him to be there for her. He'd always tried to be there for his people and SG-1 was family. He needed to let her know that she wasn't alone. Unknown to him, at the moment she just wanted to be alone. He released her when the sobbing had finally come to a complete stop. They sat in silence like that for a while. Her staring at the wall. Him staring at her.

She could feel his eyes on her. So much fear and pain raced through her head. _Why? Why did this have to happen? What's going to happen to SG-1? Will they let me go back to work? Could I even if I wanted to? What about Daniel? _She hated him for what he'd done. She hated herself for hating him. The rational part of her brain knew that it hadn't been Daniel, but the rational part of her brain was presently at war with the part of her brain that could still see his hands, his face. His hands doing things. His face with that perverted malicious grin. He'd smiled at her pain. His hands had caused it. He'd held her down. Hurt her. Forced her. He'd spoken with Daniel's voice. Said terrible things. She could hear him, see him, feel him, smell him. _What the hell do I do now? Why? WHY?_

Jack's thought were less coherent. He couldn't seem to focus on one thought for long. He was imagining things. Daniel hurting her. Then he would see Daniel in his office. A broken man prepared to take his life for the harm he'd caused. But Jack knew it wasn't Daniel. It was the _other_. But Daniel and Sam were the ones left with the memories. _How the hell could this have happened?_ After all the good his friends had done in the universe, _hell the multiverse_, how could whatever powers that be out there have allow his friends to have suffered so. Sam and Daniel had always been best friends, closer than any other colleagues he had ever known, now what would happen. Now they were both hurting. All this damage to his family caused by one Go'uld.

Jack decided to break the silence, but he decided that asking how she was feeling or if she was alright was probably a bad way to start. He chose to start with another topic that was probably just as bad, but atleast it didn't feel stupid somehow.

"Daniel's in the infirmary."

She turned to look at him. He registered shock in her eyes first. Then she seemed to be struggling with her thoughts, as though there were a war behind her eyes. Finally her eyes seemed to settle on an accusatory question. He was sure that he knew what the question was.

"No. I didn't do anything." Relief seemed to flash across her eyes briefly. "He's on suicide watch. I think he was going to…" He didn't finish the statement. He didn't want to. He could see the change quite clearly in her eyes that time. Fear. Not for herself, she was afraid for Daniel. Jack felt some relief. She still cared for Daniel. She knew the difference even if she hadn't been able to stand near him or look at him earlier in the day.

The red from her skin had started to fade. Jack was sure that she'd be sore from the burn for a while, but that it wouldn't be too bad. Her skin was reddest on her arms, upper chest, and legs. Likely from the way she'd been sitting, but he could guess that some of the redness was likely from trying to scrub herself clean. When she was dressed he doubted that the slight burn would be noticeable.

Realizing that she was suddenly cold and that she was still wearing just a towel, Sam moved to get her clothes. "Could you… I want to get dressed."

He hesitated for a moment but he understood. When they had been on the same team they had seen more of their teammates than most teams do, but she didn't want anyone to see her. The attraction that they'd use to share had died a long time ago, fizzling slowly then finally dying after one very boring date where they'd had nothing to talk about. He understood that she didn't want him to see her this way so he left the locker room to give her the time she needed.

"I'll be right outside," he said as the door closed. He didn't want to leave her alone. He wanted to protect her and he hated himself for not being able to protect her from this. He told himself that he would never let anything happen to her again. After a breath he realized that when (he wouldn't let himself think "if") Sam recovers she would have quite a bit to say on that topic. He found himself thinking back to the first time they'd met, her challenge to him. He thought about their meeting of the Shavadai. She'd almost been raped on that mission, but had continued on anyway. She had known the risks. He just hoped that when she'd had time she wouldn't come to regret her decision to join or stay with SG-1.


	5. Chapter 5

Again this chapter is pretty much the same in the S/J and S/D versions so I advise that you only read one version of this chapter as I don't remember any actual differences in this one

Again this chapter is pretty much the same in the S/J and S/D versions so I advise that you only read one version of this chapter as I don't remember any actual differences in this one. I have to get through the history before I start making any major differences.

Thank you to everyone who reviews. You people rock!

Oh yes, _Italics_ mean thought

CHAPTER 5

Samantha Carter took her time getting dressed and combing her hair. She wasn't looking forward to again facing the man waiting for her outside the locker room door. She needed to pull herself together. She felt like an idiot. She'd been able to get through everything the universe had thrown at her so far. She knew that she'd get through this too. Atleast that's what she had to tell herself, though she wasn't sure that she entirely believed it. She tried to remind herself that she wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last to have something like this happen, though she quickly realized that line of thought brought her absolutely no comfort what-so-ever.

She tried to finish putting herself together with a touch of make-up. Her hands were shaking as she tried to apply a mild shade of lipstick. She realized that it was the first time she had looked in a mirror since the incident. She couldn't believe that she still looked so much the same as she had when she'd left for the mission, and yet she didn't seem to recognize herself. It seemed for every thought that went through her mind an opposing one immediately followed. She was so used to being logical that not being capable of clear thought for even a few seconds was driving her mad. She quickly washed off the make-up as she realized the make-up would mean attention. Most of the men in the Cheyenne Mountain complex had learned over the years not to think of her that way, but every so often she would catch one of them checking her out in the hallway. Sometimes it was nice, but she usually found it annoying. She didn't think that she could handle it today if someone were to look at her that way. She didn't think that she could stand people looking at her at all.

Anise had tried to force Sam to speak to the Tok'ra equivalent of a psychologist, but Sam had not wanted to speak. The "Counselor" as Anise had referred to the Tok'ra woman, had spoken instead when Sam had refused. The things that she'd said were running through Sam's mind as she finished getting ready. She had told Sam about some of the emotions she'd go through, some of the strange thoughts that would go through her mind, and the thing that had been the hardest to hear. Her recovery would be even harder than most. She not only had to deal with the incident itself, but she had to learn to separate her attacker from its host in her mind. She needed to realize that her friend would never hurt her, and that he had been a victim as well. _Daniel didn't hurt me._ Immediately the flashes began to play in her mind again, warring with what she knew to be true. Daniel's hands. Daniel's voice. Daniel's flesh pressed against hers. She drew a tight breath as her body fought both the urge to vomit and to break down in tears again. She backed away from the mirror and sat on the bench again, wrapping her arms around herself and rocking slightly. She needed to pull herself together. She needed to feel strong, feel like she had control over her own body again.

_Shit. The debriefing._ She realized that she must have been extremely late for it by this time. She didn't really care much for the meeting, and she didn't want to recount what had happened, but she was a professional dammit. She didn't miss meetings. The thought gave her some temporary focus as she threw her things back in to her locker and headed out of the room.

She stepped out of the room and headed for the elevators. She barely tipped her head to acknowledge Jack's presence. He fell into step beside her, not saying a word. Jack noticed that her appearance was neat, almost sterile, perfect to regulation and nothing more. If possible, even the look on her face seemed regulation. He wondered to himself if she had just entered denial, but didn't say a word. He was willing to let her handle the next few days however she needed to in order to get through them.

Sam noticed that Jack had not said anything but merely started walking with her. She was uncomfortably aware of how close he seemed to be standing to her. She didn't want or need someone hovering around her trying to protect her. The warring thoughts suddenly started up again in her mind. She used all the strength she could find within herself to push the thoughts away and focus on the fact that she was now very, very late for a debriefing. _Professional._

--

Carter entered the briefing room to find it empty. For a brief moment she felt like she was about to be crushed. The weight of the last few days was threatening to come down on her once again. _I missed it._ The thought tumbled through her mind. She couldn't seem to bring herself to believe it. She'd missed a meeting.

Jack entered the room and paused for a moment. He was pretty sure as to what was going through her mind. He couldn't recall Carter ever having missed a briefing without being in the infirmary or abducted. He was hesitant to speak, but he knew that he needed to so he spoke softly, "Landry's probably in his office."

Sam couldn't remember a time when she had seen Jack looking so ill-at-ease. He was standing with his hands in his pockets and he wasn't looking at her. She wondered if he would ever be able to look at her the same way that he used to. She was sure that he would forever see her as a weak victim now.

She froze for a moment unsure of what to do next. She didn't want to actually speak to Landry. Telling him what happened would be hard; she couldn't imagine telling him without breaking down. Then he would order her to the infirmary where she would have to go through another complete examination. The Tok'ra exam had been bad enough and it hadn't even been invasive. She was pretty sure that Dr. Lam's exam would be. Sam wasn't close to Dr. Lam like she had been with Janet; she didn't want to have to recount the story to the woman even if she was a doctor and likely had some experience with these kinds of situations.

"They all know don't they?" She didn't look at Jack as she asked.

"Yeah. I think so." His voice was low, as though trying to keep the sting out of the words that he knew that she would feel. "We should go see Hank."

She had no doubt that she wouldn't be reprimanded for missing the meeting, but she still berated herself for it as she began heading toward Landry's office. She stopped outside his door and Jack noted the briefest hesitation before she knocked. His heart ached for her. He didn't know what he could possibly do for her to ease what she was going through, but he did know that he would do anything she needed.

--

"Enter."

"Do you want me to wait out here?" Jack wasn't sure if he wanted to be in the office or not, but he decided to allow Sam to make the decision.

She hesitated for a moment, but figured that she would eventually have to tell him what happened anyway, even if she didn't it would be in a report that would eventually cross his desk. "No. You can come in."

Carter entered the general's office, with Jack not too far behind her.

Landry stood as he saw that it was Colonel Carter entering his office.

"Please, have a seat."

"Thank you sir." Sam sat in the chair in front of the General's desk. Jack decided to lean against the wall in the corner of the room behind Sam.

General Landry opted to sit on the edge of his desk. He had been trying to figure out how to speak to Colonel Carter about this since he'd figured it out, as well as what to do about the situation. He still wasn't sure.

"If you're uncomfortable talking about this, we can set you up with a counselor or a psychologist and they can give me the pertinent information. Normally there would be others here to help in deciding how to proceed, such as the JAG, but I didn't invite them since there won't be any official investigation or a trial. I'm just trying to decide how to proceed from here."

"I understand sir."

"Do you want to speak to a counselor or should we proceed?"

Sam knew that eventually she would have to tell the base CO anyway, and they would also make her speak to a psychologist whether she told them or not. Sam had never been one to avoid difficult tasks and she wasn't about to start now and allow Tinhar to have the power to change who she was.

"It's ok sir. We can discuss it now."

"Are you alright with General O'Neill staying in here?"

"That's fine sir."

"Do you mind if I call Dr. Lam in here so that you don't have to repeat yourself later."

"If you think that's best sir."

Landry picked up the phone and called the doctor to come to his office. They waited in silence until she arrived. She opted to stand against the side wall just out of direct eye sight of Colonel Carter. She didn't want to make the woman feel as though she were speaking to an audience. She made herself ready to take notes if she needed to.

"Well then, Colonel Mitchell and Teal'c said that you were captured and taken aboard a mother ship. Why don't you start there."

"Yes sir. When I came to, Teal'c and Mitchell were still unconscious. Daniel wasn't present. We were in a room that looked somewhat like a small converted storage room, likely on one of the lower levels. Teal'c came to just a few moments later. We tried to wake Colonel Mitchell. He woke for just a moment before losing consciousness again, so we decided to let him rest as we began to search the room for a means of escape. Unfortunately every panel had been sealed so we were unable to gain access to any systems."

"After roughly forty-five minutes or so, Mitchell came to. He joined us in trying to figure a way out, but there wasn't really anything we could do."

"A few hours passed before three Jaffa entered the room and took Teal'c. About two hours later six guards returned to the room and took both me and Mitchell. We were led down a corridor and then separated. They brought me to a room and chained my arms. I was left like that for some time. From what I gathered later, Tinhar had visited Mitchell first."

"After a while Tinhar entered." The increasing effort that it was obviously taking Sam to keep going was not lost on those in the room, but as long as she continued to speak they said nothing. "He entered with his eyes glowing so I knew immediately that Daniel had been taken as a host. I was relieved because it meant that he was still alive."

"Tinhar told me that my friends had been 'most informative.' He told me that he had learned from Daniel that I had technical knowledge that he could use and that I would share it with him. I told him that if he had gotten that information from Daniel then he should have also been aware that I would never tell him anything. He laughed and said that I would."

"Then he stepped in close. He uh,…" She took a deep breath before continuing. "He placed his hand around my throat. He said that eventually everyone tells him what he wants to know. He had a ribbon device on his other hand and he pressed it into my abdomen. I'm not sure what he did, but it was more painful than the Go'uld's usual torture devices. It felt like he had taken a blender to my internal organs."

"He laughed and told me that he was just beginning. He said that it would take several hours for me to die from what he had just done, but not to worry because the sarcophagus would heal me and we could start again."

"He then unchained my arms and I fell to the floor. I wasn't able to stand up because of the pain in my stomach. He picked me up by my neck and pushed me against the wall. I tried to fight him but between his Go'uld strength and the pain I wasn't able to accomplish much." She wasn't able to look at anyone anymore so she stared down at her hands as she continued. She was trying hard to keep the trembling out of her voice but she could hear it in every word that she said.

"As he held me there he started… caressing me, with the hand that wasn't choking me. He smiled more each time he touched my abdomen. I had to fight to stay conscious through the pain. He seemed to like that. He continued touching my stomach until I finally passed out." It was becoming obvious that she had retreated into herself. She was under no obligation to share all the particulars, but this was the first time that she'd spoken about what happened and she couldn't seem to censor herself.

Jack was grateful that he had chosen to stand behind Sam. He was getting angrier with each word and had begun to feel sick as well. He had no idea what he looked like but he knew without even looking that his knuckles were white. As she continued telling what had happened he imagined Daniel doing these things. He was well aware that it hadn't been Daniel and he held no ill will toward him, but he couldn't imagine the impact of having this happen to her at the hands of someone who would have looked and sounded exactly like her best friend. He suddenly found himself thinking about the RepliCarter and what Daniel had gone through. It seemed that his "kids" just couldn't catch a break.

Sam took another deep, shuddering breath before continuing. "I don't know how long I was out before I came to in a sarcophagus. Two guards were waiting for me. I was desperate so I lunged at the closest one, but the other hit me with the staff weapon taking out my knees before I could do much of anything. They then took me to another room. He was already there, waiting for me." Her voice was fairly low and she must have realized this as she cleared her throat and tried to straighten her composure before continuing.

"He dismissed the guards. He walked toward me brandishing a knife. When he got close enough I tried to attack him to get the knife, but he got behind me and placed the blade to my throat. He then started touching me again." Jack could hear new venom in her voice. She sounded as though the words themselves were disgusting in her mouth. "Then he started pushing me toward the bed." It was then that everyone in the room realized that the room that Sam had failed to identify before was most likely Tinhar's bed chamber.

"Then he let go of me and threw me forward. I fell on the floor." Sam's voice was becoming shakier. Her body was also beginning to shake. "When I got up and turned around I saw him putting on the ribbon device. I tried to get to the door but he used the device to knock me down before I could get there. He came over and pulled me up by my hair. He used the ribbon device to hurt me again. Then he pushed me onto the bed, where he…he… he um," she looked upward as the tears fell down her face and continued after taking a breath, "he raped me." Everyone could hear the tears in her voice as well as the hatred toward her attacker, herself, and perhaps the rest of the universe as well. Her shaking grew more severe for a moment before calming to a mild tremble.

Jack had known the words were coming but to hear them out loud made him feel cold and broken inside. He didn't know what to think, he only felt, and at that moment he seemed to feel everything. Part of him wanted to cry there with her while a bigger part of him wanted to go out and kill the thing that had done this to his team, his friends, his family. He also realized now why Daniel hated himself so much. He'd had no control, but he would have seen himself, and perhaps felt what Tinhar was feeling as he had hurt his friend.

Landry handed Sam a tissue. She wiped her eyes but seemed determined to finish. Landry glanced over at his daughter and realized that he couldn't imagine what he would do if this had happened to her. Dr. Lam could feel her father's eyes on her and she refused to meet his gaze. Despite her professional detachment she felt herself on the verge of tears with empathy for the woman sitting before her.

"After he was done an alarm started going off and there was an announcement over the ship-wide communication system saying that there were intruders. He grabbed his things and ran out of the room. By then the pain in my stomach was too much for me to get up. I rolled off the bed and onto the floor. I tried to crawl to the door but I didn't make it there before two Tok'ra agents arrived in the room. One carried me to the rings. I remember Anise meeting us on the Tok'ra ship before I passed out."

"The next thing I remember I was at the Tok'ra base. Anise was there. She told me that there was a Go'uld patrol in the area so they were unable to send out any messages. She told me that when they had passed through the sector she would dial Stargate Command and let you know that we were all alive. Unfortunately the patrol stayed in the sector for more than a day and they couldn't send word to you. So by the time it passed I was well enough to travel, and then SG-1 returned to base."

Everyone sat in silence for a while as what they had heard sunk in. Eventually Landry spoke, "There's nothing I can say that's going to make this better. I'm sorry that you had to experience that Colonel Carter. I'm sure that Dr. Lam will want you back in here in the morning. You should also speak to Dr. Longfellow. For now though, I think you should go home and try to get some rest. Perhaps General O'Neill can drive you home? I'm sure that the doctor can give you something to help you sleep."

"Sir," Dr. Lam started, "I would like Colonel Carter to see Dr. Longfellow tomorrow, but I think that between the post-mission check up and the file left by Anise, we can postpone any additional exam until she's ready. But if you would stop by the infirmary for a moment before you leave, I'd like to give you some sleeping pills."

Sam didn't protest the idea of Jack driving her home. She wanted more than anything to be out of the base away from the pitying looks of her friends and colleagues. She didn't think that they would ever look at her the same again. She wanted to ask Landry if he was going to allow her to go back to work, but she knew that now wasn't the time. She was too confused herself. Part of her wanted to never look at the gate again, but she knew that the feeling was only reflexive. The Stargate Program was her life. She couldn't imagine life without it.

--

Please review. Lots of people have put notifications on this story but hardly anyone reviews. Please feed my muse.


	6. Chapter 6

Not too many differences between the S/J and S/D versions. Still laying the ground work before I start making any major differences.

Thank you to everyone who reviews. You people rock!

CHAPTER 6

The fact that Dr. Lam had given the pills to Jack instead of to her hadn't been lost on Sam, but she was too exhausted to take offense and she was grateful to the woman for not putting her through an invasive exam.

She allowed Jack to drive her home in his rental car. The day of the mission she had ridden to work on her motorcycle. Sam wanted to drive herself home, but she knew that she probably wasn't in the best frame of mind to be driving a motorcycle at high speeds and she wasn't prepared to argue with Jack about General Landry's orders.

Jack insisted on staying at her house. It was decided without talking about it that he would stay on the couch. Jack wanted to comfort her but didn't know how. He was sure that when the sleeping pills wore off she would have nightmares, but their short attempt at a relationship had failed pretty miserably and while they were still friends, he didn't see how he could comforter her when those nightmares came.

Sam took another shower before taking the pills that Dr. Lam had given her. She climbed into bed with thoughts racing through her mind, but it didn't take long before she finally drifted off to sleep.

Jack however, couldn't sleep. His mind kept racing with questions and thoughts. What would happen to SG-1 now? Would Sam and Daniel ever be able to put this behind them and be friends again? The idea that his family was now so destroyed by the acts of one being was weighing heavily on his mind. The Stargate Program and its people were all that he thought of when he thought of family now. His heart ached with the thoughts of what the future may now hold.

_Sam was back in Tinhar's bed chamber. He was on top of her. His flesh pressed against hers. Each time she cried out he would cause more pain, sometimes cutting her. She would sob harder from the pain. The grin on his face seemed to grow larger still. She could feel every touch. She could smell his sweat. Her mind was a jumble of thoughts. She wanted to get away but couldn't. She couldn't think straight anymore. All she knew was the pain. _

"_Stop! Daniel please stop!"_

_Tinhar's smile broke into a laugh. _

Jack was finally about half asleep when he heard muffled screams and crying coming from Sam's bedroom.

Jack ran as fast as he could to her. Sam was lying on her bed, the blankets kicked to the floor, rolling a little as she continued to cry. He felt tears welling in his eyes as he grabbed her to wake her from her nightmare. She woke but barely. Whatever Dr. Lam had given to her was keeping her from waking completely. She continued to cry.

Jack climbed into bed next to her and held her as she fell back asleep. With a strange sensation realization dawned as he thought about how familiar this scene was to him. He thought back to his covert ops days before Charlie's death. After the incident in Iraq and a few other close calls he had started having nightmares. He couldn't think how many nights it had been him waking up screaming and crying and Sarah holding him just as he was now holding Sam. _I'll always be here for you Sam._

Jack thought back to those long nights and the toll they had taken on him. He could remember the terror and pain he'd felt and his heart ached for Carter. He cried to himself as he held her and silently wished that he could take all of Sam's pain away and make it his own. He tried to remind himself that it had been his new family in SG-1 that caused most of his nightmares to finally subside. His hope was that if anyone could heal after something like this it was Colonel Samantha Carter and SG-1.

Together they slept a restless sleep. Whenever Sam's sleep would become to disturbed Jack would wake from whatever nightmare he was presently having, to wake and comfort her.

Vvvvvvvvvvvvv

_He was on top of her. His flesh pressed against hers. Each time she cried out he would cause more pain. She would sob harder from the pain. He could feel the grin on his face grow larger. He could tell from the expression on her face that she could feel his every touch. He could feel the excitement, power, and intensely perverse pleasure mixed with his own nausea and anger. He screamed at the one in control of his body. He wished that he could kill the one in control even if it meant taking himself with it. Tinhar found it amusing that he could cause the host as much distress as his play-thing. _

_Every emotion that Tinhar felt, Daniel felt. He could feel the pleasure and arousal and his mind wretched from it. He could feel his body climaxing while he wanted to die. With no success he continually tried to stop Tinhar and he felt that this only made Tinhar more excited. _

"_Stop! Daniel please stop!"_

_His mind stopped. She had just called the thing in control of his body by his name. His mind folded back in on itself as he felt as though he were falling into the darkest, deepest pit that could be imagined._

_Tinhar's smile broke into a laugh. _

Daniel woke suddenly as his mind tried to sort out where he was. He was in control of his body again. He started to shake as the memories flooded his mind. A nurse walked toward him with a pitying look. She asked him how he was feeling as she prepared another needle. Daniel didn't answer. Soon he was once again in a heavy, drug induced sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Hi folks. Sorry this is taking so long. College is crazy and this is supposed to be my last semester so I'm crazy busy at the moment. Again, own jack diddly squat and the two version still have a lot of similarities just different relationship foci.

CHAPTER 7

When dawn finally broke, Jack gave up trying to sleep. Sam was peaceful for the moment so he slipped out of her bed before she could realize there was someone else in bed with her. Since he was up he decided to make breakfast. He checked on Sam every few minutes until he found her awake but not moving to get out of bed. Having just finished preparing a light breakfast he decided to try coaxing her out of bed.

He walked to the side of the bed she was on and knelt down beside it. Her stare was far off and there were tears in her eyes but there was no sound other than her breathing. Jack placed her hand between his. Letting it rest there for a moment he gently called her name. She closed her eyes and a few tears escaped. He gave her a moment then helped her to sit up. Putting his arm around her he led her to the little coffee table by her couch where he'd places their breakfast. They sat on the couch, Sam leaning into Jack's shoulder and Jack with his arm around her. Neither touched their breakfast.

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When the nurses realized that Daniel was awake they brought in his breakfast. He never responded to their coaxing to eat and never looked at them. He simply stared off into space when they were near him. Dr. Lam finally told them to set his food aside and that he would eat if he wanted to later.

Dr. Carolyn Lam was having a hard time maintaining her professionalism with the situation presented before her. She knew that she wasn't as close to SG1 as the previous doctor had been, but she felt that she knew Daniel well enough to know that the memories must be tearing him apart. To everyone he was caring, compassionate, and very empathetic. She realized that for him, having the memories of causing so much pain must be his own personal hell, not to mention that the person he had hurt so badly was one of his best friends.

She tried to convince herself to go over and speak to him, but for the life of her she couldn't think of anything to say. While she hated to admit it, she was uncomfortable with the man presented before her. He was both a victim and a rapist, or at least he had the memories of being one. She felt somewhat disappointed in herself that she couldn't completely separate the ideas in her head. She felt like she should be wiser and smarter, with the ability to better understand these things. They had supposedly chosen her for this job because she was one of the best, and right now she felt like she was letting down the whole SGC.

---------------------------------------------

_You're going to have to do it eventually. _Carter was having very little luck convincing herself to go to her appointment with Dr. Longfellow. She tried not to hold it against the doctor, but since Daniel's lock up in a mental institute the entire team had trouble trusting mental health care professionals. Sam didn't feel comfortable talking yet. It took a few more minutes, but Sam finally nudged Jack and told him that it was time for her appointment.

"OK. I'll clean up the dishes while you get ready." He had no clue what to say. He didn't want to let her go, but she was apparently feeling more in control of herself and he didn't want to do anything that could damage that.

As he washed the dishes that he had used to prepare breakfast his mind once again returned to how unfair this whole situation was. _After all the good they've done._ He was also berating himself for having absolutely no idea what to do to make it better, for her or Daniel. He found his mind wandering to a conversation that he and Daniel had had some years ago.

It had been shortly after the Shavadai mission. He had expressed his doubts about having females on frontline teams to Daniel. He had explained that his concern wasn't simply that a female could get raped or experience some sort of other traumatic event, because he knew the same could happen to a guy, his concern was their ability to cope with it afterward. That was the first time Daniel had ever looked at him like he actually _was_ stupid. Daniel had opened his eyes quite a bit that day. Jack had known that he wasn't the type that military women were prone to open up to because of the macho front he often adopted, but Daniel was the type they would talk to. Daniel had told him about the unusually high number of women in the military who had already been through something like that and still functioned everyday, to the point of Jack not even being able to notice who these women were. Daniel had theorized that it's part of the reason why many women join, to regain their sense of self confidence, the idea that they are strong and can take care of themselves.

The thought of so many women having been through something like this didn't do anything to comfort him, but he did feel some hope since so many had returned to fully functional, normal lives. He knew that Sam was an incredibly strong woman and so he told himself that she would be able to cope and heal, he just had some difficulty believing it at the moment as he looked at her standing by the door, hugging herself, obviously trying not to look anxious or burst into tears.

----------------------------------------------

The base psychologist, Dr. Longfellow, had already been in to see Daniel in the morning. Daniel hadn't spoken with the doctor, but she had agreed to have him moved to a private room for his comfort, though she hadn't lifted the suicide watch.

In some ways Daniel preferred the private room. Fewer people to look at him with either disgust or worse yet, pity in their eyes. He didn't believe that he deserved their pity. During the time since he had woken that morning he had been arguing with himself. One moment he would be trying to convince himself that it wasn't his fault and then a memory would push to the surface and he would fall back into his despair. He had been strong enough to lock away his memories but not to stop the Go'uld.

Teal'c had been by to see him before lunch. Daniel had only known it was lunch time because shortly after Teal'c left the nurse appeared with his meal. Teal'c hadn't said a word during his visit. He had simply sat in the chair by the bed with a small scowl on his face. Daniel had done his best to ignore the imposing man's presence. He wondered if the man had been disappointed in him, but that wasn't Teal'c's way. Daniel realized that the man was probably tearing himself up with guilt for not protecting Daniel, but at the time he couldn't muster the energy or the words to try to put the Jaffa's guilt to rest.

Cameron had stopped by after the nurse had finally given up trying to convince Daniel to eat something more than a corner of a piece of bread. Daniel had ignored Mitchell as best he could, but the man kept going back and forth between silence and talking nonstop about everything from sports games to how it wasn't Daniel's fault. At one time he even begged Daniel for forgiveness for having dragged him back onto SG-1 and not being able to protect him when he was injured and needed it. Daniel had been succeeding at blocking out what Mitchell was saying to him until he mentioned Vala. Daniel hadn't thought about what the others who had formerly been hosts had gone through as well. He found himself wondering if Vala had ever been through something this bad. She had never really talked about her time as a Go'uld. Now he thought that he understood why. She had been loaned to SG-14, who were off-world, deconstructing a former Go'uld stronghold in hopes of discovering new technology or information so she likely didn't know yet.

Daniel had no desire to face Jack, but he had to admit that it hurt him that Jack had not come to see him. He didn't expect Sam to come see him or ever speak to him again, but if Jack wasn't willing to see him then he must truly hate him now for what he had done to the woman that he knew Jack loved.

--------------------------------------------------

Jack had waited outside of the base psychologist's office while Carter had attended her initial counseling session. Jack knew that there would probably be many such visits. He couldn't bring himself to leave even to go to the bathroom. He felt that he needed to be waiting for her when she finished. Mitchell and Teal'c had offered, but he felt like it had to be him. Unlike himself, he was sure that eventually Carter would tell the doctor everything that had happened. They had forced him to attend counseling when he had first returned from being a POW in Iraq before allowing him back to duty. He had joked his way through his and had talked about just wanting to spend time with his family and then get back to work. During college Jack had taken enough psych classes to have some idea of what the doctor would want to hear, but he knew that Carter would need to talk about what had happened.

When Carter stepped out of the office the signs of crying were obvious.

"You're going to get through this Colonel. Now I'll see you again on Wednesday, ok." The doctor saw General O'Neill outside of her office and only looked at him briefly before returning to her office. Jack was unable to make out what her look had meant. He had no way to know that they had actually spent a fair amount of the session discussing him and the other men in her life. Like many military rape victims, Sam was afraid that her command would look down on her for it and she would lose the respect of those around her. Doctor Longfellow had tried to reassure her, but the doctor had no way of knowing whether Major General Jack O'Neill and the others were up to the challenge that this situation presented.

Sam hadn't told Dr. Longfellow any more about what had happened than she had told the others. The only thing that she had discussed in more detail was how she felt about Daniel. She had tried to explain the dichotomy warring in her mind. She fully understood that it wasn't Daniel's fault, but at the same time, some primal part of her hated him for what he had done, even as she knew it wasn't him. It hadn't been until their meeting was almost over that she realized that for all intents and purposes, Daniel had also been raped. When her brain made the connection, it was as though something had crushed all of the air out of her. The guilt over having not thought of what he must be going through hit her hard. On top of all of the other emotions that were already threatening to pull her under she had nearly collapsed from the added weight.

The doctor had noticed the change, but had mistaken it for a flash back. She had tried to ground Carter in the present by letting her know where she was, it took several moments for Carter to realize what the doctor was trying to do. Sam began trying to explain what she had just realized, but she hadn't managed to say much that was intelligible due to the sobs that were racking her entire body. It had taken several minutes for the tears to subside enough for Sam to speak, and by then she no longer felt willing to. She was simply too tired and riddled with guilt. Daniel had become stronger over the years, to the point where Sam rarely questions his ability as a soldier, but he was still a civilian. It was her job to keep an eye out for him, and once again she had failed. She had failed to keep him safe in the first place and now she was failing him as a friend.

The Psychologist had spent the remainder of the meeting discussing possible plans of action with Sam. She had brought up the idea of Sam going to stay with her brother's family, but Sam had immediately dismissed that idea. Dr. Longfellow also mentioned the idea of putting Sam on antidepressants for a few weeks. Another idea Sam had been firmly against. Sam had never really believed in the idea of happiness in a bottle, though she didn't hold it against anyone who did use antidepressants. It was just that she was terrified that if she started taking pills, she would never come off of them, and they would never let her back on a team if she had to take antidepressants.

After the doctor closed the door to her office, Jack felt the need to do something, so he gave her a gentle hug. He felt somewhat surprised as after a moment, she pushed him away while holding his arms. She looked into his eyes, willing him to understand as she spoke.

"Go see Daniel."

She saw the confusion in his face and wished that he could just understand.

"I… I can't see… I just can't do it yet." She saw the dawning comprehension on his face. She hoped that he understood the concern that she had for her friend, but that she just couldn't keep her demons down enough for her to trust herself. "Help him."

Jack had realized yesterday while in Daniel's office the pain the man was experiencing. Between his own fits of restless sleep last night he had realized the type of hell Daniel must have been experiencing, but had been unable to pull his attention from Sam. Jack had wondered how much of the experience Daniel remembered given how few of Jolinar's memories Sam had retained. Jack hoped that for Daniel's sake, it wasn't much.

"What about you?"

"I have to go see Dr. Lam."

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	8. A visit to the infirmary

This is pretty much just to let you know that I am still alive. On top of taking 21 credits last semester, not too long before finals, BAM! I went a round with cancer. It ended up not being bad but it scared that crap out of me and put me in a very non-story oriented mind set. I'm still trying to focus more on positive than negatives so updates may continue to be sporadic. Sorry. The SD and SJ versions of this chapter are nearly identical. I do not recommend reading both. Again, I own a whole lot a nodda.

CHAPTER 8

Jack had gone to the infirmary first, where he had been notified by Dr. Lam (who looked as though she hadn't left the base or gotten much sleep) that Daniel had been moved to a private room. He saw Cameron at the opposite end of the hall as he approached what had become Daniel's temporary quarters. Jack figured that the man must have just finished with a visit. They hadn't allowed Daniel to stay in his on base quarters because they were too afraid that he would find some way to hurt himself with something in his room.

Jack hesitated outside of the door for a moment trying to think of what he would say. He still had no idea when he finally knocked softly on the door and let himself in.

He could see Daniel lying on the bed, unmoving. Once again the idea of how unfair this whole situation was came floating back to him. He wanted to joke around like he always did, but today he couldn't find the strength to pretend like he knew everything would be just fine.

"Hi Daniel." Jack didn't get a response, which didn't surprise him. He walked up to the side of the bed and sat in the chair.

Daniel turned his eyes away from his friend. He had been able to ignore his other friends fairly successfully, but Jack's mere presence was causing him to falter. He felt hot tears beginning to escape from his eyes and run toward the pillow. Daniel felt as though he had betrayed his friend. He thought Jack loved Sam and he had hurt her. Sam and Jack were his closest friends in the world, and he had harmed them more than he could ever imagine hurting anyone. _I can't do this. He shouldn't be here for me after what I did. He should be with Sam._

"I'm sorry Daniel."

Daniel turned his head to look Jack. He felt confused by what Jack had just said. He couldn't think of what Jack had to be sorry about.

Noting Daniel's confusion, he continued, willing Daniel to understand, "You don't deserve this. After all the good you've done…you don't deserve this."

Daniel felt more tears as he realized what Jack was saying. Jack wasn't here to blame him, which he still felt he deserved, but he also wasn't here to forgive him. Jack was essentially trying to tell him that he hadn't done anything wrong and didn't need forgiveness. Jack saw him as the victim; though with the memory of how Tinhar had felt, he didn't feel like a victim. He felt like a criminal.

"Jack, I…"

"Eh!!" Jack interrupted while raising a finger to silence Daniel as he already new what Daniel was about to say. "Daniel, if that's an apology you're about to offer, I don't want to hear it. It wasn't you."

His voice sounded calm, but it was clear in his eyes the turmoil that he felt. "Jack, I remember. I remember everything."

_Damn._ Jack lowered his head from Daniel's gaze to try to collect his thought. When he lifted his head he met Daniel's eyes and tried to put as much reassurance and force into his words as he could. "Daniel. It was_ not_ you."

"I can remember it like it was. I remember everything that _**he**_ did and how _**he **_felt about it. I can remember getting excited because _**I**_ was causing her pain."

Jack saw the revulsion that Daniel was feeling clearly in his eyes. Jack hadn't really considered that possibility. Go'uld tend not to share their memories and knowledge with their hosts. _Either Daniel broke through anyway, or that bastard wanted him to know._ Jack remembered the many Go'uld who had told them of the pain that they could inflict on their hosts. He had always assumed that they had meant physical pain, but he thought that this was worse, but it made one thing much clearer. After so many years the members of SG-1 had learned to lock away their emotions and hide their pain. This seemed to be the straw that finally broke Daniel. _OK, maybe not "straw" more like dump truck._

"I'm sorry," was all Jack could say. Every time that he'd heard that one of his people had been injured he felt guilt about having had to leave his team. He was no longer their team leader, but he still felt responsible for everything that happened to his team since he left, and at that moment his guilt was returning in full force.

They sat in silence together for a while, neither knowing what to say. Daniel wasn't sure that he really wanted to know, but he finally asked, "How's Sam?"

At first Jack was going to give a flippant remark about her being Sam and able to deal with anything, but decided against it and answered sincerely, "I think she's going to be ok." He knew it would be a long road, but he was really starting to believe that while she would likely never be quite the same, she would recover.

Daniel didn't respond so they sat in silence for a while longer before Jack said that he had to go. He felt guilty leaving Daniel, but he was pretty sure that it was time to get Sam home.

-----------------------------------------------

Jack went to the infirmary, but Sam was already gone by the time he got there. Dr. Lam had made every effort possible to make the experience as quick and painless as possible. Since the Tok'ra had already seen to her physical injuries and documented what had happened, she had been able to skip portions of the exam.

Jack went to Sam's office figuring that was where she would have most likely gone. When he walked through the door he saw her sitting at her computer. She was holding a card in her hands and staring off into space.

"The department guys left me a 'Get Well Soon' card." She held it up where he could see. Her face was expressionless as she continued, "They probably don't know what happened yet since we haven't written our mission reports and Dr. Lam didn't see me until this morning so the nurses wouldn't know yet. They're the usual gossips." She paused for a breath and he could see her shake as she inhaled. "What's going to happen?"

He could tell that she didn't really expect him to answer. He paused for a moment before answering anyway, "You'll get past this."

It was a simple statement, one that he wasn't entirely sure that he believed, but he knew that it was an idea that they both needed to cling to. They had to believe that everything would be OK in the end. It had to be. Jack held the door open and asked with a nod of his head if she was ready to go. With a short nod she set down the card and walked out of the room.


End file.
